i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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