living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
