i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
