i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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