i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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