I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
