i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
