Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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