two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
