sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
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They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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