And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
