i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
