I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
