I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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