hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
