I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
