I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this