On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can