I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
