OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
