I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
