every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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