Banned from zoo.
Again?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
