My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
