I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
