Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My cat gives me a boner
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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