Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
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He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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