she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
