There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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