You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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