We named our party play list daddy issues
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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