good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Found the puke drawer
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
