Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
