HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
