Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
