worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.