Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.