Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the condom got lost in my hair
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
