Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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