it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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