I haven't been this sober since birth.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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