oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Liz is crying about burritos again.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
