the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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