The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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