Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
