I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
