Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
