checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
