just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
