I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
