I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
