The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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