Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
