Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
