she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
