I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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